Moving through, not moving on
After we lost our son, Asher, the conversation quickly changed from "how are you doing?" to "when are you going to have another child?" This change in topics was quick, sudden and happened far sooner than I expected. However innocent these questions were, they infuriated me to no end. I would always leave the conversation feeling like if Asher were around people would not have the audacity to ask me such questions. I left the conversation feeling sad, hurt and with the realization that one of the most important people in my life meant very little to anyone else around me. With time I discovered, how eager other people were for me to be pregnant again. If I was pregnant again it would allow other people to feel more comfortable about our situation. No one likes to think about infant death, let alone talk about it. If people allowed themselves to talk about it, it was as if they were admitting it could possibly happen to them too.
Looking back, I am grateful we did not quickly jump into growing our family again. Our hearts needed time and more importantly my body needed a rest. Once I found out I was expecting again I was desirous to keep it amongst ourselves. Even at almost twenty eight weeks I have just recently told several friends who live far away. Is it because I am cautious? elated? nervous? happy? scared? hesitant of people's reactions? fearful? excited? enjoying this journey alone? Yes, to all of the above.
What people don't realize is choosing to never have another child would have been the easier, albeit fear based decision to make. Being pregnant again has made me feel both very vulnerable and incredibly grateful. I realize what a lot of women would give for the opportunity to have one child, let alone two and everyday I feel blessed beyond words. Being pregnant has brought to the surface every irrational fear I can conjure up as well as every wonderful memory I was able to experience with Asher. These memories include: seeing our baby at dr. office for the first time, the first time we heard his little heartbeat, telling our friends and family we were expecting, our gender reveal party, giving my parents their first grandson, the first maternity photos Cameron took of me, watching in awe at our 20 week ultrasound, feeling our son kick inside me and ultimately holding our baby for the first time.
Being pregnant again makes me miss Asher more, not less. Being pregnant a second time feels sacred and is a profoundly life changing experience for both me and my husband. Each week I hear my baby's heartbeat, every milestone of my baby's development transports us back to each and every precious moment we were able to spend with our first son. Because of Asher our hearts grew by leaps and bounds. The love we feel for Asher motivated us to have another child, not as a replacement but as an extension of our love. After we lost Asher I feared my heart would never be the same. The truth is my heart will never be the same and I am grateful for that because it is a part of him I will carry wherever I go. We are proud to be parents to our own little angel. Asher will always be a name we love to hear cross our lips and one of our favorite people in the entire world. There is power in love, it binds us together.