The one question I receive far more than any other is, "How are you adjusting to motherhood?" Not matter how many times I am asked this; I am always taken back. Normally, I sputter out something like "It is great" or "I love it" But the truth is there are far too many emotions and responses swirling around in my head to say more than a few word answer. Most of my responses would require more time and tears than most people would care to endure. The embarrassing truth about becoming a mother, is I love my children so fiercely talking about them will inevitably make me cry.
I was never one of those girls who dreamed about being a mother. At a young age I assumed I would become a mother and that it would be easy. I grew up in a family with four children. I can never remember my Mom having a hard time keeping up with laundry, making dinner or helping us with our homework. From the eyes of a child; my Mom had it together. I am only now realizing she did this how most other women do; with great sacrifice and at the expense of sleep or time to herself.
After marrying the most kind and loyal man I could find; we decided we wanted time to ourselves, to travel and have fun as a young married couple. We decided to wait until we were thirty to have children. After a year of "trying" I was able to get pregnant. Flash forward to the end of my third trimester and without any explanation my beloved child passed away. I gave birth to him shortly thereafter and he was more perfect and precious than any child I had ever seen. To become a mother without my child to take care of was the most painful, lonely and soul stirring time in my life. Everyone talks about defining moments in their life; giving birth to this sweet little boy of mine was one of those moments. Despite the heartache and agony, bringing this child into the world was the closest thing to heaven I have ever experienced. Having Asher not only made me a mother, but changed everything I had previously thought about motherhood and what it means to be a Mom. After giving birth to Asher my sole desire was to have another child to care for. When that did not readily happen it hurt. It wasn't the type of pain I could ignore or wish away, it was all consuming. I worked hard over the coming months and year to make his brief life mean something and through that I found joy.
About a year later I found out I was pregnant again. The best way to describe the ensuing nine months was I held my breath. I hoped, I prayed, I agonized about every possible thing which might go wrong. One stormy evening I gave birth to my second son. I also gave birth to a new self. The mother in me who had laid dormant for the past two years came screeching to the forefront. My heart felt full and my mind at ease. My child was in my arms and it was one of the greatest moment in my life.
I was born to be a mother. Although I never knew it, being a mother is everything I ever dreamed it would be. The smiles, the the coos and giggles, even the endless laundry. I feel a sense of purpose and peace like I have never experienced before. Taking care of my son is a sacred responsibility and one I do not take lightly. I know firsthand how precious life is and I try to not take for granted any moment spent with my son. I have fought hard to become a mother and I will always be honored to call them my own.