Thoughts on motherhood

A couple weeks ago, I was sitting in church when the teacher posed the question, "How many of you have children?" As I watched the hands dart up around me I was astonished to see how slowly and sheepishly I raised mine.  Although I gave birth to our beautiful son fourteen months ago because he is not here I find it difficult to identify with other mothers. The path to motherhood has not been a straight line for me. 

Motherhood has been the instantaneous creation of an intense bond followed by heart wrenching agony. Motherhood has exposed my greatest fears, drawn from my deepest reserves of strength and cemented my faith in God.  Being part of a culture where motherhood is highly valued and all many women ever aspire to achieve, being over the age of 30 and without children in your home you are considered different. Ever since I could talk I remember striving to be different, so when I became pregnant after thirty it seemed like perfectly wonderful timing to me. This fiercely independent child has slowly transformed into a confident, independent, self assured woman. So why I was so slow to raise my hand?

Suddenly, I realized motherhood is the one area in my life where I allow others to make me feel inferior. While many women have children to fill their days, I rejoice in the amazing experience it was to carry a child and give birth. At times it is easy to feel envious and wish all those clothes I so lovingly purchased were right now being worn by our son. But as quick as sadness attempts to settle into my heart I think of Asher. The very definition of his name is blessed and happy. As my wise friend said when asked how she was doing after her husband passed away. "Misery and I will never be companions" and so each and every day I take that notion to heart. For it was no coincidence we named our son Asher, because he has made us feel very blessed and extremely happy.