After we lost our son, Asher, the conversation quickly changed from "how are you doing?" to "when are you going to have another child?" This change in topics was quick, sudden and happened far sooner than I expected. However innocent the questions were, the one of when we would have more children infuriated me to no end. I would always leave the conversation feeling like if Asher were around they would not have the audacity to ask me such questions. I left the conversation feeling sad, hurt and with the realization that one of the most important people in my life meant very little to anyone else around me. With time I discovered, other people were eager for me to be pregnant again so they could feel more comfortable about our situation. No one likes to think about infant death, let alone talk about it. If people allowed themselves to talk about it, it was almost as if they were admitting it could happen to them too.
Looking back, I am grateful we did not quickly jump into growing our family again. Our hearts needed time and more importantly my body needed a rest. Once I found out I was expecting again I was desirous to keep it amongst ourselves. Even at almost twenty eight weeks I have just recently told several friends who live far away. Is it because I am cautious? disgustingly happy? scared? hesitant of people's reactions? fearful? excited? enjoying this sacred and private journey alone? Yes, to all of the above.
What people don't realize is choosing to never have another child would have been the easier, albeit fear based decision to make. Being pregnant again has made me feel both very vulnerable and incredibly grateful. I realize what a lot of women would give for the opportunity to have one child, let alone two and everyday I feel blessed beyond words. Being pregnant has brought to the surface every irrational fear I can conjure as well as every wonderful memory I was able to experience with Asher. Which include: seeing our baby for the first time, the first time we heard his little heartbeat, telling our friends and family we were expecting, our gender reveal party, giving my parents their first grandson, the first maternity photos Cameron took of me, watching in awe at our 20 week ultrasound and ultimately holding our baby for the first time.
Being pregnant again makes me miss Asher more, not less. Being pregnant a second time feels sacred and is a profoundly life changing experience for both me and my husband. Each week I hear my baby's heartbeat, every milestone of development my baby reaches transports me back to every precious moment I was able to spend with our first son. Because of Asher our hearts grew and the love we feel for him motivated us to have another child. After we lost Asher I thought my heart would never be the same. The truth is my heart will never be and I am grateful for that because it is a part of him I will carry wherever I go.
I am proud to be a mother to my own little angel. Asher will always be my one of the favorite people in the entire world and there is power in that.