One of the most heartbreaking acts I performed after our son passed away was to dismantle his nursery. Several friends and family members suggested they take over this task for me, but it only seemed appropriate I would be the one to take it down. Ten days after he passed, I decided it was time to pack up all of our son's belongings. Unfortunately, this decision coincided with my birthday. Looking back I believe I tried to inflict the most amount of pain I could upon myself in hopes my heart would stop feeling. After the initial surge of love and support from loved ones, I struggled with feeling guilty for having moments of happiness. The act of packing up his belongings was punctuated with heavy sobs and feelings of anger. The life I was looking forward to was over and instead was replaced with large clear plastic containers of memories. Life felt unfair. Life felt hard, but the very act of keeping all those baby items was a testament to my faith in the future.

This time around, the act of setting up a nursery felt like a sacred experience. Even though there are no guarantees in life, I waited long enough until I felt comfortable in the knowledge it was here to stay. I knew I did not have the heart to take down a nursery down for a second time around. One day, when I was feeling particularly strong I began to set up the nursery again. There were moments where my heart felt heavy, life felt unfair, but it was punctuated with moments of gratitude and hope in the future. It is not that I purchased anything spectacular that I showcase this room, rather it is special to me simply because it is the culmination of memories, patience and hope.

Most of the clothes I have were purchased for Asher. I know every time our son wears one of these items it will take me back to the excitement I felt of becoming a mother for the first time and remind me of Asher. This thought makes me happy. As a second child I am very familiar with the concept of hand me downs and this baby will have plenty of those, they will all just be new. The crib we purchased a mere weeks before we lost Asher will be able to be used for the first time. Even though we are having another son in October he will never be a replacement for Asher. With this knowledge I decided it was very important to make this baby his own special quilt. The afghan draped over the crib was made by my late Grandmother for Asher. Since she just passed away a couple months ago, it feels extra special to have something she made out of love with her own two hands in our nursery.

With the new nursery, I wanted the color palette and overall vibe of the nursery to be different. Last time everything was yellow and gray, this time I have selected an outdoor/little explorer/hiker theme. I have paired my adorable Three Bad Seeds pillows with other little outdoor inspired treasures. I was excited to pull back out so many things, but in particular the stretch canvas I had made of my father when he was young boy riding a pony.

Even though I already had a lot of baby items, I found it very important for this baby to have his own special things. My friend and I made a stuffed animal whale for him and my husband and I made a little wooden sailboat one day at The Center For Wooden Boats. The little hot air balloon was purchased on our trip to Paris when I was a few months pregnant and a dear friend crocheted these sweet little baby booties.

I am slowly starting to build a children's library and I have enjoyed taking the time to read to our little guy inside my belly over the past couple of months.

This large cabin and creek scene was painted by Cameron's grandmother and I love how it has found a new home in the nursery. New, old, handmade and store bought this nursery is a room full of excitement, hope and happiness. We are so excited to meet our new little guy the very thought brings tears to my eyes. God is good. He has a plan for each of our lives, but it might look different than we imagined. When we don't think we can handle our particular lot in life, he takes us by the hand and shows us the way. I know this to be true.

Past baby related posts:

A family of four!

Transitioning to baby mode again.

Impromptu maternity photo shoot.

My favorite baby shower gift ideas.

Our gender reveal party and all its details.

Unisex gift giving.

My thoughts on baby fashion.

Gender reveal D.I.Y.

The first nine months of grieving.

Preparing for our baby last time.

Making plans for our first nursery.