Mother's Day weekend consisted of one baby bump, one pair of rubber boots, one weekender bag, one beachside hotel, four delicious meals, numerous bike rides along the beach and invaluable time spent with my parents. As I have become older I have realized how inherently divisive motherhood can be and sadly even Mother's Day. Women tend to love it or hate it, there seems to be no middle ground. I recently read an article explaining why so many women dislike Mother's Day and at the root of all reasons was disappointment, guilt or sadness. My hope for all women, especially on Mother's Day, is that we can be kind to ourselves and allow others to celebrate us despite our imperfections and where we are on the path to motherhood.

Our room at the Adrift Hotel in Long Beach, WA.

My road to motherhood has been a journey. For some women as quickly as they decide they want to have children they are pregnant. For others, like me, it has not been that simple. First, I had to create the desire in my heart to have children (why exactly did I want to have children), then I had shift my thinking about my life and the diverse roles I would play within it and finally I had to be patient for it to happen. Once I became pregnant with Asher I was both excited and fearful. Fearful of how my life might be different, of how my marriage would change, but excited for the endless possibilities for our new future as a family of three. After Asher passed away one of the most challenging things I struggled with was my identity as a mother. It was hard to consider myself a mother without my child, even though I knew in my heart I was. This Mother's Day my sweet niece sent me the loveliest poem, which helped give a voice to many of my past feelings.

What makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one.

Brunch at the Pickled Fish at the Adrift Hotel.

Even though I have read this poem a handful of times, every time I read it my heart begins to swell. The love a mother has for her deceased child is a perfect love. Since I have never experienced a perfect love in any relationship before, it was a concept which was hard to grasp and even harder to explain to others. I assumed this Mother's Day I might feel sad, I might cry and all those unwanted feelings of jealousy and envy would bubble up in my heart for all those women who have their babies.

Bike riding along the Discovery Trail.

I am happy to report Mother's Day was lovely, I felt loved, supported and appreciated. I like to think my son pulled some strings gave me a beautifully sunny day, much like the day he was born. I am grateful for the opportunity to be a mother to two strong spirits, I realize for many women this is more than they could ever dream of. I am even more grateful that this journey has not made me bitter, but has created an increase in gratitude and humility for my sacred role as mother. If becoming a mother had been an easy process I would not have the same reverence nor respect for motherhood as a whole.

Dinner at the Pickled Fish at the Adrift Hotel.

It is my goal to be incessantly grateful for every breath my child takes and to have a home where love prevails and my children never doubt how their mother feels toward them. From the moment my children are conceived I love them with reckless abandonment, for it is the only way I know how to be a mother.